At 31, I’ve finally stopped caring about what other people think of me, especially when it comes to people I don’t share values with.
Just today, I managed to easily delete a person from my life after they made a racist joke at my expense. When I confronted this person about how that joke offended me and that it was not okay, he doubled down by saying “I don’t mean to offend anyone but if you got offended, okay then.” I immediately deleted him and blocked him from all socials. It’s even easier because he had made several fatphobic, homophobic and toxic masculine comments that have never sat right with me. He was just someone I played with over videogames and have never met in real life. The only reason I was putting up with him was the fact that one of my friends kept inviting him to the party. The worst part of it all was that why did I put up with him in the first place?
I let my friends know what happened and that I told them I wouldn’t be upset or anything if they still chose to play with him. I am a grown adult who respects their decision on who they will or will not play with, even though these people have questionable morals.
If this was 21-year-old me, things would’ve been different. I probably would have muted myself, cried and even felt bad if I told anyone I wanted to stop playing with that person. I wouldn’t want to be a party pooper by bringing up “drama.” But it’s not drama. It’s an inappropriate comment veiled as a joke to push ignorant ideals.
It has taken me years to finally say no to people and let alone put my foot down when I see something offensive. My friend who keeps inviting this person mulled over the information once I told her. I saw the gears turning inside her head, wondering how she would approach this. She agrees that it’s terrible he said those things, and she feels bad that we put up with that guy just for her. But most of all, how is she going to play with him again? She is the type of person who would see the good in people. She is kind that way. I was like that, too. I was too nice to a fault.
However, is it enough to see the good in people if their values are fundamentally against respect and rights of other lives? I saw my old self in my friend. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I used to. Now, I ask myself: should I surround myself with people who I fundamentally disagree with and whose values are the very values I fight to eliminate?
If they do not wish to educate themselves, I feel like I’m sacrificing my integrity as a person if I continue to associate myself with them.
I find myself choosing friends carefully nowadays. I don’t have to find people who are 100% like me. I have to know if they are kind, if they respect other people, if their humor is an extension of their intelligence and not at the expense of people’s culture or ethnicities, not of their bodies nor their sexual orientation. And if not, then I don’t care what they think about me. They do not deserve a space in my thoughts or a spot in my life, and I wish I knew that long ago.