Pre-quarantine, I was sitting on a desk answering phone calls. Since then, I have been promoted to Junior Graphic Designer in my company. But most days, I’m writing scripts for potential books to be published and do basic graphic design and corrections for existing books we have already. Recently, we’ve been talking about equality and equity in our company. Because of the recent events happening around the world, our company have this on-going quest to become anti-racist. I admit, it’s weird to see a dark side of my reflection as I reexamine how privileged I am, without even being white.
I was privileged to study in a private school and for most of my life, be coddled by my parents who planted the seed that getting into a good college and saving money are measures of success. I was considered smart in school but only because I spoke better English than my peers, who would scratch their heads whenever I attempted to crack a joke only Americans would get. Something that I saw in films that I thought was cool, I suppose.
I did end up in the top university of my country and that solidified my thoughts that I was better than everyone else. In the Philippines, the highest GPA you could get is a 1.0 and the worst is a 5.0. At that time, my university had this informal motto of asking “I got a 1.0 GPA, you?” But I think nowadays, my university has outgrown that childish notion that grades mattered more than social issues. If the U.S. had protests against racism, the Philippines had protests against the anti-poor institutions. I’ve only joined one protest because it was a requirement to pass our Art and Society class. Coming from a middle-class family, I felt that I didn’t need to educate myself on that part even though my middle-class town was surrounded by other towns with informal settlers living in shanties. We were living so comfortably that I just immersed myself in fiction books, games and films. I was privileged enough to be given the time to escape into other worlds than live in my own. I even thought I was so smart because I read books in my spare time. I realize now that people my age were too busy worrying about how to help their parents or even becoming breadwinners of their families as soon as they graduated college.
Feels like I’ve had my head in the clouds this entire pandemic. Time to get back to the real world.
I was so self-centered in my success in college that I really had no idea what I was doing or what the world is going through around me. “I want to write,” I often told myself. And the characters I wrote were nothing but bland, middle-class to upper-class characters with cushy jobs and whose sole purpose of existence was to find love. They also lived in America or Japan, places where I haven’t even been to yet. Never the Philippines. I had no understanding of true economic struggle because after college, I worked in a company while living with my parents. I avoided paying my own bills until I actually got married and moved to America. I realized that my privilege has stunted me from realizing what real struggles faced by people every day.
I am ashamed to say that I used to look at my high school peers and thought I was better than them because I got into the top 1 university. I cannot be anymore wrong. I see them now, having their own businesses, being their own bosses, and I think, “Man, what did they do to get there?” Having to study in the 1st or 4th ranking university in the Philippines didn’t matter. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them and I’ve truly learned my lesson.
I still think I’m privileged because I sit here, writing on my laptop, with a job that could still function in a time of the pandemic. I can’t say the same for others. I think about my old job at the daycare and my old coworkers. They have been in unemployment since the beginning of the pandemic. I’m glad I dodged that bullet. They used to rant about how the working conditions are at the daycare which is partly the reason why I left. I used to ask “Why stay there? Why not find a different place to work?” And I realized that I had a privilege to say that because I had a background in writing, I had a college degree, and could easily leave and find something else. In a time where college degrees are more valued than experience, that was so unfair to say. They have invested their lives in a career in early childhood education because that is their passion, as much as writing is my passion. I can’t say it’s easy to get to where we want to be. If there is anything to blame here, it’s the institutions that refuse to take care of its people. Not the people making “bad decisions.” I’m privileged to be right here.